You are still alone

Sometimes my mind tricks me into thinking that one day I will not be alone. This is a reminder to myself that my mind is lying. Or at least trying to cope with something. To not accept the reality that life is a single player game. Like it has multiplayer mode enabled. You can engage with others. But it really is designed for one person. Because at the end of the day, no one can be you. No one can manage your emotions or feel your emotions or take away your pain. It is up to you. People can play a role, but you are the one at the end of the day who must close your eyes to go to sleep each night. You are the one to also wake up every morning and get out of bed. No one will take that away.

And while your brain can sometimes grasp for longing. Grasp for comfort of being perhaps taken care of. That is not the way the world works. For many good reasons. But you cannot cope by lying to yourself and telling yourself that there is another way out. That there is a way to beat around that claim. You are alone.

This is not a dark thought. It is not to say that people cannot play a role in your life. It is not to say that you cannot or should not care about other people in your life. The opposite. You can and should. But you can and should do so from a place of acknowledgement and respect – that they are themselves living their own single player version of life. They themselves need to figure out how to deal with it. And while you can depend on people, and they can depend on you – why do you need that so much? Sure you are a social creature. You like validation. You like stimulation. You like pretending for a moment that you are not alone. But you are. And perhaps you could not accept this fact of life when you were young. And your parents told you that you were not. You are. They lied. So you would shut up. And go to bed. And stop bothering them.

People can always be there for you. And they can care about you. And they can care about you a lot and dedicate their life to you in ways that are extremely generous. But you are still alone.

You can have friends. Best friends. As you do. But again you are alone. They will not live your experience. You will not live theirs. Words can only do this so much. They are not you, therefore, they cannot save you from being alone. You can distract yourself from the facts but it will hurt more once you realize that again you are alone. Many of us try to distract ourselves for a long time. But the realizations come and go. They are painful each time. We go around thinking that someone will save us. There’s nothing to save, though.

This loneliness is not a problem. Well it is. But it does not have to be. Acceptance is really the first step. Accepting the reality of life. Again not in a sad way. Not in a way that means you disrespect others. Moreso in a way that frees you from the race.

The race of being wanted. A race I craved. Craved to win more than I have craved most other things. The underlying fuel driving so many of my life’s decisions. To want to be wanted. Why? To free myself from being alone. But who cares for this race? Truly. Why does it actually matter? You are still alone. And the richer you become, perhaps the more alone you may feel. Because finding a person who gets you, let alone 10 people…that is a lonely position to be in.

You can numb the pain. With ads. And with social media. And with buying yourself bullshit.

But at the end, you realize that you are not comfortable with yourself. You are not comfortable being you. You wish for something you are not. And you will be caught in that loop for eternity if you continuing playing in this maze. You can die this way. Die alone, without accepting it.

Or you can accept it earlier on in life. And you can crave it, but far less. Because you have accepted that any cravings for social stimulus is not a permanent solution. It’s just a distraction technique, that’s all. Which is fine. Distract yourself. But do not confuse. It is not a solution. Not a thing that actually mends your heart. What mends your heart is you. You being you. You accepting the real you. Not the conditioned dog. The alive person. The soul inside of you. That just wants to exist. And you want it to dance around and please all these other stimulus. Just so you can not feel alone. Be tough. Get over that, that is my message. You are alone.


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