Words are hard for me these days. Especially words with other people. I can handle the words in my head. They are all over the place but I definitely feel like I have a grasp on them.

The words with other people. The conversations. The conversations that seem to be moving SO SLOWLY. They test my patience. Most all conversations do. Especially new ones. With new people. The dance just bores me. To the extent where I feel like I can do 100 things at once. But no – I resist. And that takes energy. And so I focus in on what the other person is saying. I feel like Sherlock Holmes bending time. I stop everything. And then I zero in on the words.

And then…when I hear them then. Loud ish and clear ish.

Then I hear them for what they are. And for most other people – at least seemingly – words are really not enough. Especially how they are being used. So casually. So lightly. Carefree.

Not really meaning what they say. Not really thinking about what they are saying. Most of their words – when put up in the examination room (think like an x ray), immediately seem to fall apart.

They are not Opinions. They are opinions. They are barely that. They are just thoughts. They are themselves externally processing ideas. And they do that, in front of me the live audience. And it ends up just being ~lame (and generally not even particularly funny).

I have written a bit about the above before in that I do not really feel like words do thoughts justice. But they are some of the best we have. I guess movies and music are also on the table. Art may be another form of expression I have yet to really find myself leaning into as much as possible.

But I am hungry. That’s how I feel. Hungry for clearer expression.

Dealing with other people — coordinating with them, actually liking interacting with them. Well that’s a thing for me to think about and figure out. I expect a lifelong thing.






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