wandering

I was going to write a title for this piece before starting. I sometimes do that. But not today. Today, I am writing before writing the title. It’s because I do not really know where I am headed. Tends to be a theme of my life right now.

Yesterday, I went on a walk. I don’t often go on aimless walks. This walks was one of those. A rare one. It was 7 miles in total. I tracked it. I felt a bit weird tracking it, but I did using Strava. Anyways, besides the point. I spent it aimlessly walking. I stopped in a library. But the rest of the walk was continuous. Was good to go outside was my reflection. I certainly did not regret going for the walk.

Right now, I am sitting as it’s 6AM. The gym opens at 8AM. Frustratingly late time to open a gym on a weekend but it is what it is.

I feel like I’m going for a walk mentally right now. I mean I’m reading a book. Or I was before typing this. But I feel like when I wake up, I need to basically walk my brain. Or at least let it out of its cage. I think people do this in different ways. Some do this by staring at social media — and your brain immediately goes on the treadmill of sorts or the casino of sorts.

Others do this more gracefully perhaps. Perhaps ease into the day. Or journal. Or run. Or lift. Whatever the start to the day looks like.

I am not sure what type of person I am. I used to wake up and immediately start working. I could really imagine a life without work. And now I do. Because I don’t really have work to do. It feels weird. Like a big chunk of my rituals are gone. My purpose, really. So yes it’s me wandering. All the time.

But the start of the day has potential. Like right now, as I am typing. My mind feels sharp.

Some days. Like today. I start with intrusive thoughts. I need to just label those as thoughts and move on. I mean I don’t need to do anything. But that’s what I hope to do. Those are just thoughts. Move on. Thoughts.

Taking the brain out of its cage. Or perhaps better worded as letting the brain out. It’s up to the brain if they want to go out and explore or just stay chill.

A conclusion I came to yesterday was that I will not really feel extremely satisfied by life for a while longer. Until I do work I am genuinely proud of. Everything else basically feels like motion. And motion will persist. I am quite good at that. At creating motion. But everything else in my life will be in service of having a foundation of authenticity. Until then, my body will continue to be in conflict with my mind.

I need to stop checking technology.

I don’t have facebook or instagram, really. But now I check Linkedin. How lame is that. I check the most boring network ever. I need to just not be doing that. I am committing to not doing that. Same with Twitter. I check like once per day now. I just need to not. I am logged out of Twitter. And I have a computer blocker I could use. My thought is to block both of those.

In addition to finding that purpose thing – I also want to build up a foundation. My foundation before was extremely leaky. Next time. Next time I will be so much better off with how strong my foundation looks and feels. I am so much more aware than I was before. Of the ups and downs.

Making decisions out of fear is perhaps the thing I will forever avoid. It’s never worth it. It’s never worth the short term freedom. Just make the hard decision. Make the hard decision because it will save you from a lifetime of hard consequences. Of dealing with people who are mediocre. Of struggling beyond struggling. Of feeling trapped.

This essay is very much wandering. And this time, this time that is the point. I am getting back to wandering. I am getting back to accepting serendipity. The randomness in my life, the serendipity, it is at an all time high.

I have nothing to do. And I have everything to do. I live in perfect abundance. But also immense scarcity.

This conflict is a driving theme in my life right now.

I have nothing to read but also everything to read. I have no one to talk to but also everyone to talk to.

How to navigate this world. This cognitive space. The mind-body connection.

These are the types of questions I am asking myself.

Does everyone have this? This dialogue?

I think yes in ways. But also no. I think I am sensitive. To a degree many others are not.

Sensitive I do not view as purely good or bad. Some do. The connotation is certainly weak. But I think it needs a rebranding. Sensitivity is really about being able to see all the details. At times this power is all consuming. Certainly for me. It cripples me. Makes me feel weak. And I am ashamed of that.

But it should not cause me to feel that way. I should not see it that way. It instead can be a superpower. It really can be a power to be able to see the world with this much fidelity. This many angles all at once.

I will be enough. I am enough. Small phrases – but needed in my inner monologue. I often feel like I am not enough. For who? For me? For who? For my identity. For a story in my head. For the thoughts in my head.

What is the purpose of all of this? We die one day.


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