the past

Where does the motivation come from? It’s an interesting question for myself and also in the understanding of others. For a lot of people, I feel like fear and insecurity and basically mainly perceived as negative things are the primary drivers of their decisions. Is that a pessimistic view? Do I really believe that? I am not sure. I need to think more about it. On one hand, I do think a lot of people have had versions of unsettled trauma in the past. Perhaps they remember it but for a lot of people I feel like they do not. For example, an intimate detail of my life is that growing up I was always really anxious around my parents not being there to pick me up after school or camp or some version of that. I remember having a lot of fear and emotions around that. I wonder where that came from. I wonder how that manifested itself and if I was born that way or if perhaps more likely conditioned by other events earlier on in my life. I remember getting lost at one point in a sort of carnival. I was very young. I was crying. I was nervous for sure. I wanted peace and safety which my parents represented. And I could not find them for hours. Fast forward to today and well I think I have different definitions of peace and safety. Surely. It’s not about running to my parents. Not at all. But perhaps I still have that child fear like emotion. That strong sense of anxiety that rushes through me when I go into panic mode. I still have that bite. And that floods me. In those moments, in those moments I am tested. I am fighting both the current state, sure, but also the past. My past. The events in my past which come front of mind. The unsettled ones in particular. The ones I never fully processed. Or made into emotions – abstract concepts – as opposed to bodily functions that I have to deal with.

A comforting yet hard to swallow thought is that, well, the past is just the past. It’s a simple idea but it’s true. The past is the past and there’s nothing I can really do about the past.

It’s just there. Sitting in space.






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