the job

I have never really had a job before. I mean I have had internships and I have contracted for people. But like fitting into an organization where I report to someone, full-time — not really a thing I have ever done. Weird…right? Like even growing up I never had a job. I made my own jobs. I made my own money. I hired people. I was the boss.

It’s not that I liked being the boss. I certainly did not think of it that way at the time. I was not like I need to be the boss this is my goal in life. Or like I need to be an entrepreneur.

It just like…came to be that way.

So now…well now I am thinking maybe I try working as part of an organization and a job. Of course, on the side, I have my own projects. But what would it be like for the focal point, the pressure really, to not sit on me in all settings?

And that…well I do not know the answer to that question yet. But I am thinking of trying to find out. So I’m working now part time for a company. A real company. I mean it only has 5 people. So still – tons of ambiguity. But like, I am the new guy. And that feels…new.

I’m not sure how many questions to ask. How much to talk. How much to come up with new ideas versus contribute to the status quo. What is useful short term versus what may be more useful long-term.

These are all thoughts going through my head.

Like I am in it. But I am part time. I finally get that part of the equation. When you are the founder, you are the everything. There is no hedge. Now as a part time employee, I am not all in. Even if I work a lot of hours, I am not all in. Weird. Feels weird.

I definitely feel anxious to hurry up. To work hard and add a ton of value.

But being on the other side as the founder for so many years kinda ruined a lot for me because it showed me that the other side of the curtain is someone who really does not know what they are doing either. I mean maybe that’s projecting. I should say things more precisely. People on the other side are just making some things up just as you are because, well, they are human beings and as they make decisions they adjust and learn and conform to constraints in their environment.

So the mystique of that person behind the curtain. The wizard of of sorts – is kinda lost to me. The sadness of accepting that has taken me some time. But I accept it. It is sad and painful. But I accept it. As much as I did not want to, I do.

And so when I enter these meetings, these are some of the judgements in my head. Like I’m hoping the other person has an answer. I am hoping they have clarity. But even when they’re great, there are times when they do not. I prefer when they just say that rather than lie or even externally process it out loud to me but whatever.

I overthink things. I accept that. I say over because I think I am clocking in wayy too many thoughts. I need to turn them back to action. I know I can. I have before. So I’m going to start doing that again.

I think I am a bit scarred from pervious work experiences. Where I would go down in a direction and later regret not defining enough clarity up front before marching in that direction. I think thinking through things up front would have saved me literally dozens of hours worth of time (maybe more – maybe weeks). Hard to even comprehend the magnitude. I think it is hard for people to see that often. Especially people who say they want to go fast. But speed and velocity are not the same thing. It’s so hard to actually act in that manner. Because, well, in small companies you are often having to guess and learn and iterate and get feedback from all these sources. More ideas is rarely the issue. At least for me. I think most of the time the job to be done is just doing the same thing over and over and being reliable. I think a lot of people prefer to scratch surface level ideas and run away from the hardcore depth. The depth is where most of the meat is. The depth is where most of the work to be done is.

The above are obviously opinions. There are times to go deep and there are times to go wide and often you have to look into doing a bit of both.

Regardless, I am thinking about these things as I am entering a new organization. In basically all settings – should I meet new people? how many? How long? How close should I get with them? How are they judging me? What do they think of me? Etc.

It is like most any social interaction. Except well there is this predefined context that is embedded into the conversation. It’s made implicit. And that makes it a bit tricky for me to navigate at times. I like when things are explicit. But fine. I can handle it.

Organizations are a bit like organisms. I mean they are a bit like people. It’s interesting seeing how they operate. And how often their shape very much looks like the founder. In how they talk. Their cadences. Their pulse. Their lifebloods, etc.

I still think the organization of organizations is an understudied aspect. how to coordinate. Like we have this god like tech at our fingertips and yet, and yet we are still figuring out how to coordinate. I wish there was a one way. Surely there’s not. I’m not searching for that one way right now. I am just trying to get things done.

Having a thing again even if part time has been transformative to my mental state. I can tell it will continue to be – though it’s just starting now. But like…having things to look forward to. Having excitement. Having other people driving things.

It gets me pumped. At the gym. In the shower, I have things to look forward to. I missed that.

It’s like being busier actually makes me more productive. I mainly just hope to eliminate the bullshit from seeping into my day. The things that don’t matter. I don’t like those. I want to eliminate those. I want to look back on my day and be like wow I got a lot done.

I have not felt that way in a while. I have felt like mediocrity has seeped in and just sat around. I mean I get stuff done. But my mind also wanders to dark places. Because I have a lack of things to do. Lack of purposes. Forget a single unifying grand theory of how I should spend my time – I am often grasping for even one.

The job will help with that.


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