the grind

I have writer’s block right now. I have no idea what to write about. But I am forcing myself to sit for at least 13 minutes and try to pump out words. Sometimes when I’m writing I get a sense of anxiety run through me. like I need to finish up. I need to go move onto other things. I need to rush through this. I get that way sometimes when I am working out, too. In those moments, I try to basically just take a deep breath, close my eyes, and lock back in.

One thing I have been thinking about today is that I have no plans. I have no idea what I am going to do. I am jet lagged, like I woke up at 330 am. Was lying in bed basically doing nothing for the first few hours of the day. I feel a bit bloated because, well, I have no idea to be honest. I drank a lot of sparkling water yesterday. Not sure if that makes any difference. I am looking forward to going to the gym soon. And then my plan is to run immediately afterwards. There’s a chance I skip the run and instead run this afternoon. But to be determined.

This is a boring essay. My day is boring. I am not really thinking of things. I mean there are things I could be doing. But like nothing is pulling me.

I have been meaning to write a number of essays. Perhaps I go somewhere, like a cafe or library, and go work on those.

Perhaps I go on a long walk.

Perhaps I read.

I mean there are really only a finite set of options. Funny how that works. Like I just moved to this city only 3 months ago. I traveled once in that time. But already, already I have convinced myself to have no FOMO and just be content in my quarters. I mean that was kind of the point of me moving here. Not necessarily to go do things. Just to be myself. And be by myself. And to be okay with that.

I funnily am going to move again in a few months. Funny is maybe the wrong term. But like…yeah. I am hoping to stay in my next place for something closer to 12 months. I think a thing that will help with that is just committing. And being okay with missing out on things. And trusting the process. Investing more in community and what not.

It’s going to be in another country though. So that will be different. I am going to move to Europe. Will be my first time living there. I am looking forward to it.

Man this essay is boring. I have no spark to me right now. I feel tired. I do not want to go to the gym. But I am about to go. Looking at my timer, I have only been writing for 6 minutes. 7 left to go. I have written about before but like yeah – I set up 13 minute timers. I gotta be able to lock in for 13 minutes. I have to. If I can’t do that, and not be tempted to I don’t know like check the news or whatever…then what am I.

13 minute spurts work well for me generally. Like I’m writing in a complete flow right now. The words are just coming out. Sometimes I even close my eyes. If just for a second. To take things in and breathe and just let the words come direct from the brain onto the paper. I have been thinking more about writing. And potentially signing up for a creative writing course or group or what not. That would push me out of my comfort zone. I have also been thinking about writing things by hand as opposed to typed up. I think there would be many benefits to writing by hand. I don’t like my handwriting though. Maybe a typewriter would be cool, too.

I think it being hard to write by hand is kind of the point. Same with the typewriter. The cost of mistakes is higher. And that’s perhaps the point. The challenge. The work out. That’s a good thing.

I think very soon in our lives we’ll be able to talk to our computers with our thoughts. We’ll just be able to think and the words will appear on our digital interfaces. When I say very soon – I think in the next few decades it’ll be possible. I’m not sure about the science. I know a few people working on it. I’m not sure what the implications will be, either.

I think creating distance with your own thoughts is a very powerful tool that you can use to be more objective and arrive at peace with some things that may be pushing you mentally.

I really enjoy creating distance. Or actually the action can sometimes be hard. Like writing. But I enjoy the outcomes. The process is often worth it. It requires an amount of patience and grit though that can sometimes be quite frustrating.

3 minutes left as I glance at the clock. I am literally typing this from bed. Perhaps worthy of a longer essay but one thing that led to some really challenging times for me was that I used to work from bed. Like all day. Even take calls from bed. How gross is that. This was like during covid / post covid. I used to think this was okay. I mean it’s okay. But so bad. So unhealthy. Like for my brain and my psychology. I was working from bed. For 12-14 hour days. Getting fat. And lazy. And just being confined to a bed was no way to work. I cannot believe I accepted that as a norm. As a way of life. As something that would actually work out productively.

So now, well now I never work from bed. I rarely even bring my computer in here. I think if I were more secure with myself I also would not bring my phone in here. I think that’d be a good lifestyle change. Maybe one day I will be able to pull that off. I want to commit to things like that – as my guess is that they will make a really big long term impact on how I operate, my energy levels, and my ability to focus.

I care a lot about high energy levels. Or just like maximizing my energy. And eliminating the drains. Or finding the root nodes behind the drains. And getting rid of those. So I can just be high energy. And win the day. And the moment. And be more present.

Well, that was 13 minutes.


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