slump

I have been in a writing slump for a few months now. The words are not flying. Perhaps the opposite. I mean I am still writing. But I am not really expressing myself. It’s like I am going to the gym, I am showing up – which is an accomplishment of sorts – but not really giving it my all. That’s how I feel about my recent writing. It feels half-assed. Super face level. Not really testing me. And I am plateauing as a result. I am going to get back to real writing. Real meaning at least more volume. Like literal word count at minimum. My focus has gotten so bad that sometimes I just give up in the middle of my thoughts. I just want to go do something else. Crazy that I cannot focus for 30 minutes straight. I have a mind fog of sorts. It did not used to be this way. But these days, with so much randomness in my life, I feel like I can really only concentrate for one email at a time. That of course is just a figment of my imagination. It’s not a law. I can evolve and get better. And that is what I will do.

So back to 30 minute essays. Starting with this one. Do not leave this screen. Do not scroll away. Do not check your phone. Do not open other tabs. Do not take a break. Just write stream of conscious for 30 minutes and see what happens.

Easier said than done. I mean how many people do this. The answer is very little. Especially when you have no structure. No real goal. My only goal is just write for time.

So what comes to mind – well one thing I have been thinking more and more about is just how important of a skill it is, for me at least, to evaluate people. Like evaluate them in different contexts – and above all really figure out if and how I can trust them. That is hard for me. I feel like over the past few years, I have been torn away from trust. Surely my upbringing contributed to this. But work over the past few years most certainly did. For years I was called all these names. I got in my own head – my own way, thinking way too much about thinking way too much. I mean a lot of this blog is an expression of my anxiety. It’s just me overthinking me. Over and over. And that manifests in lots of ways – one of which, most prominently perhaps, is me being hypercritical of both myself and others. I wonder where that comes from. Why is it that I feel so frustrated all the time. Such a desire to correct others rather than let them flow.

I was in a meeting yesterday that had like 12 people in it. First of all – why are there any meetings with 12 people in them? That was the movie in my head being frustrated to start with. Then, and maybe I’ll add that I was not the one running the meeting, I felt like I experienced chaos. There was no agenda. There was no articulated purpose. There was no clarity. It just felt like an entire mess. I felt like I could have run a 100x better meeting.

So then I am again at that crossroads – asking myself what is better and doubting myself.

Anyways, it has literally been like 5 minutes and I am about to close my eyes and sleep. I cannot write for 30 minutes straight right now. I hope I look back at this and laugh at my incompetence.


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