scatter brained or focused

I am involving myself in a lot of things. I used to be this way. And then I quit. Basically everything. And started doing just one thing. And that one thing surely had diversity in it in terms of the activities. But it was all focused in one direction. For years I was just doing one thing. I was waking up and thinking about that one thing. In the shower. Before bed. Etc. I could not stop thinking about it. Well slowly I did. And slowly the one thing broke me. I do not think inherent in it being one thing is why it broke me. There were a bunch of factors. For a different post. Or ten. But that was my saga. I went from diversified portfolio to extremely concentrated. At some points in the journey I did deviate. Like I started adding back interests and diversified activities. But I was really stuck in the middle ground. At least that is how I felt. In hindsight, I think I could have either focused and concentrated _even more_ or…or…perhaps do what I am doing now.

What I am doing now is kind of crazy. At least that is what my inner monologue is telling me. Kind of crazy because it is so wide. And so not needed. Not needed because I do not have a reason to be getting involved in so many things other than my own intuition and insecurity pulling me in these directions. It’s a level of randomness that honestly is giving me lots of energy. And I feel mainly happy. And I feel mainly present. So why does this analysis even matter? Why care about the meta if the real thing is actually seemingly working? And I am not committing to forever? I am not signing an agreement that I will always be this way. I am just committing to the now. To waking up today. Literally it’s a Sunday. How can I make today as energizing as possible? How can I just win one day at a time. Maybe I will change in the future. But like why? Why care about such a long term, especially if I cannot actually enjoy the day? TODAY. That’s a thought in my head.

And the answer, the answer I come to is well that planning beyond today can help me unlock the value of compounding. Which I know from experience is really valuable. Like doing the same thing over and over and over — getting 10,000 hours — that is how you unlock mastery of sorts. And I know that I also like that. In addition to the micro motion, I like going deep. I know that a lot of great things in the world are born out of mastery. They are born out studying things at the extreme depths. Out of commitment. Commitment perhaps is the word hiding under the other words. Am I afraid to commit? I know there is value in commitment…but am I afraid to commit? That’s the question worth highlighting?

I think my relationship with commitment has evolved over the years, especially this year. There are many things I had committed to in the past that I would no longer commit to. For various reasons, but mainly because I do not see myself loving them as much as my naive self once did. That is sad, though. Wow. I feel sadness because I have, right there, lost a sense of naïveté. And right now I so clearly realize the value in being a child. In being innocent. The value behind the presence. Is the willingness to commit. To things you do not understand. For once you understand, you are no longer willing to make that same level of commitment. This is not a law of course. You are perhaps willing. But you do need different inputs. At least I do. I need it to pass a new bar. A bar that is perhaps built out of experience. Out of conditioning. Out of previous failures. I do not want to make the same mistakes again I tell myself. And so I put up a wall of sorts. A wall to protect against silly commitments. But what if we replaced the word commitment with something different…something like just “trying things.”

Anyways I feel myself diving into a hole I do not want to explore. The hole that is grabbing me more is related which is the thing nagging at me. The thing nagging at my confidence is wondering if the path I am on is the right one. There is no right, though, so perhaps the question I am asking more precisely is the path the right one for me right now at this point in time in my life. And it’s not even a critique of the path, it’s more a question of if I am thinking about all of this in the right way. It’s a question of the approach in general.

What is this?

Well, a piece of me feels like I am all over the place. I know I am. Like I am scatter brained and confused. Sometimes it really feels that way. Even listing out the randomness of my day. The characters I am talking to. Like what the hell. That’s what I ask myself. What the actual. What am I doing? It feels like at times I am so desperate almost. Like I am grasping for direction and willing to cling onto anything that gives me hope. And that is how my calendar is filled. Calendar is filled for no particular reason other than to cause motion. Like I am literally near the beach cold emailing someone. How is that alive? How is that life? What game am I trying to play? Trying to win? I have no reason to be sending that email. Yet I feel compelled. Is it insecurity? What is driving this force? Why must I send my energy away in that direction? I have so many things. Not everything. But I have so much. What more do I need?

But that is just half of the story. Clearly a not very optimistic half. I mean it reads extremely critical and negatively.

Another piece of me feels like I am actually unlocking a new level of productivity. I am doing more. With less. And involving myself in a wide variety of projects. So wide that the average person may interpret the diversity as “wow this guy is so unfocused.” And they may look at it like it’s this scatter brained mess but in reality, well if I just told them a slice of what I’m able to get done, then perhaps they would just accept it as wow this guy is extremely productive. If only they knew…if only they knew I could tell myself that behind the scenes there is a lot of movement.

I am getting unbelievable amounts done. That’s the other story. Like more than I could have imagined possible 5 years ago. And I am not even really trying to the degree where I feel any pain at all. Like I sleep a lot. I chill a lot. I waste time. Watch Youtube. And yet I have so many good things going. I am not proud of it though because I do not yet feel challenged. Like I am doing some hard things but not the real hard things. Not the things I know are actually hard. The things that require actual focus and discipline. I mean I am being physically healthy. But mentally. Well it’s mainly healthy. But it’s not like I am challenging myself to the degree where I am doing real work. Real thought. Real thinking. And yet I am still able to get a ton done. Ton done being lots of motion but like from some metric standpoint – like things are going in the right way. And as I mentioned mentally…mentally I feel mainly clean. Mainly comfortable. And I can have good conversations.

But even writing this paper. Right now. I mean this essay. Like how present do I feel? How long could I keep going at this? Am I really an endurance writer? Can I really write all day? How many days in my life have I done that? Without distraction?

So few is the answer. So few relative to what I know is possible. Relative to what real work would look like. I know that I could focus 10x more. I could lock in 100x more. Kobe did that daily. I am larping. I am really not trying relative to my potential. Like I can get by. Beyond get by I can win many games. But I certainly will not achieve excellence.

What is going to change for that to start happening? It has to be a systems level change? I cannot want it more. I mean I can. But if I do, I should change my environment. And luckily I am, in about a month from writing this.

So I am curious what the result will be.

Scatter brained…or focused?


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