morning scramble

I would not say I am particularly good at sleeping. I would actually say many would say I am quite bad. I wake up early. Like most of the time around 5 AM. Regardless of what time zone I am in. But sometimes…sometimes I get into phases where I wake up at like 2 am. This is one of those times. And man…is it weird. To wake up at 2 am and then basically go live out a normal day.

I know sleep is important. I want to sleep longer, and sleep in. But I have basically “slept in” zero times in my life. Like maybe single digit number of times, in my life, that I have made it asleep to even 9 am.

Some people are in shock when I tell them this. In truth, it’s not that I talk about this that much. I don’t really tell people. But regardless, it’s a weird thing.

What to do with all this alone time in the morning is a thing I think about. Sometimes I watch movies. Weird, right. But I start my day with a movie. Most of the time, though, I read or browse the internet. I used to go for walks. That was when I was in a really bad state. It’d be 230 in the morning. I’d get up, and go walk for hours. What a weird depressed place I was in. Waking up. Wandering around. And that was only months ago! Weird how time flies.

Now I am doing a lot better. In ways. But still wading my way through life that’s for sure.

I used to go to bed sleeping thinking about my company. Then a girl. And then, just feeling sorry and sad for myself.

But now…now I am finding things to be excited about again.

I am finding things that give me energy. Things that make me happy. Things that I believe I can be genuinely excited by.

It’s not that I feel restless these days. Though there is definitely some of that. Restless because I want momentum. I want positive feedback loops. I want to be going in the right direction. Or at least some feedback that I am at minimum inching in the right way. Velocity is speed + direction. And that is what we’re all after.

But not everything is measurable or plan-able. I don’t think everything is mechanistic. At least not today. Not from what I can tell. I don’t think all creative genius can be planned. I think that serendipity can be helpful.

Back to waking up early – I’ve always been this way. I used to wake up early before school. And I’d either do homework or read or watch espn or play video games. I remember those days fondly. I wonder if there is some sort of memory I have of those days, and perhaps that is a sort of inspiration for why I do it still.

When I say waking up early I’m talking about the 2 am time. Not the 5 am time. the 5 am time is early but like the gym is basically open or about to open. You can text someone at that time and they won’t necessarily be worried about you. 2 am. 2 is a totally different environment. 2 is you versus you. You are all alone. Kinda feels like you are on a different planet if I’m being honest. Especially on the east coast. When really no one else around you is awake.

I have been in solitude a lot more lately. I live alone now. This is my first time doing that. I like it. I wonder if I’ll ever go back. Back to living with others.

These are relatively big questions that are floating to the forefront of my head. Like how am I going to spend my life? And with who? And doing what? Ugh.

But also – how lucky am I to have the flexibility to be able to even ask those questions. Like…what are the odds that I ended up here?

Life often feels so random. And maybe that’s the beauty of it. That in ways it is random.

Like I live now alone. In a new city. In a new home. In a totally new environment. With a new routine.

On the topic of routines, I have never really had one. I have always tried to at least win the day. To at least make incremental progress every day on the most important thing. To do at least 1 hour of serious work. I have tried that. But even now some days I don’t do that. I mean I read every day. And write. And now work out some thing. But I think I could seriously amplify the amount of serious work that I do.

Serious work is work that’s real. You know it when you see it. Like you know what I am talking about. Being a CEO is a lot of fake work. It’s work about work. Which isn’t fake, rather, but a different mode of problem solving. It’s like so meta. So abstract. In ways I miss it. But really I don’t. Because it feels inauthentic.

I miss being responsible for actually getting things done.

But I also like not being responsible. For being able to disappear, if I want to. For being able to take meetings that don’t make any sense. But also have no meetings.

The latter is a thing I’m trying to bake into my schedule more. Less meetings. Less calls. More getting things done. More doing actual work. Less scrolling. Less live talking. More just me versus me.

I used to run from this. I am good at running from this. Both physically – like I would travel and just disappear. But also I am good at just filling my calendar with distractions. The distractions may look like real work. But they are not. They are so not. It took me a while to realize this. To others, it may look like real work. To me, it may at times look like real work. But that is just a facade. It’s not really work. Getting on the phone, asking someone questions, etc.

It’s sales, sure. And I can do that.

But it’s not serious. Or it doesn’t feel serious, rather.

Should I lock myself in a room and just get things done. Block the internet and just do research. Read biology textbooks (that I bought). Maybe…that’s definitely an option.

But it’s also an option to lean into what I naturally do – this phone call sales thing.

Or perhaps there is another option. Perhaps a third option or some version of that.

All of the above thinking is part of my morning scramble. I don’t eat breakfast – so this is my version of breakfast. My information diet of sorts.

You can see my brain feels a bit jumbled. At least that is what I’m projecting.

Before I go I want to remind myself to just go slower in conversations. I rarely regret it. On the contrary, I often regret externally processing. Like reacting too soon. Trying to be too clever too soon. I admire people who don’t do that. They come across wise to me. They see things clearly. I think I can see things really clearly, too, if I just listen extremely intentionally.

Active listening.

It’s easier said than done. But I am going to try to become an extremely active listener. Like extremely so.






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