jaded and bored and etc.

I feel bored. What a lame take. But like I am just jaded. I find so many things and people boring. So lifeless. And my mind races when I meet them. I have developed perhaps a sort of social anxiety could call it. Where I meet someone and I am just like so bored. So anxious. So not interested in whatever it is they have to say. Like it just feels so predictable. I know it’s a me thing – clearly not everyone can be that boring. But like…I am not sure what to do. They ask me questions about me, and basically my answers to the questions consistently evoke a similar set of reactions. It’s like programmed. Feels like AI almost. Most people are just so damn predictable. So I wonder if there’s a thing I could do to improve in this dimension. Could I ask better questions? Maybe. Could I try to figure out ways to make people feel more comfortable? Or could I answer the questions in such a way that evokes new things.

Another version of the reality is that people are just boring. Like they are so caught in their own worlds that they are just trying to tell themselves that life is okay and the result is really just that their lives are quite boring. Maybe that’s a cynical take. A sad take. I mean people are not just defined by their actions. But maybe they should be. Like most people. I have bene talking to some friends who are so obviously just like giving up. Settling. It’s not bad. I mean there is courage to it obviously. But they work in jobs they hate. And they live somewhere that is not optimal. But it’s just like – the end. The end of the beginning maybe. They are settling down. Starting a family, etc. And maybe that’s a new beginning. It’s a new type of joy. A new type of meaning. One that’s worth perhaps a lot more than the chaos that has been my life these days. Maybe les is mor. Maybe more depth and community and love and care – maybe those are the things that matter to these people. Better is an incorrect framing. It’s not about better. Or worthiness. People can and should do what they want.

I just am disgusted by some of it. Strong word choice. But like…the clones. Everyone feels like a clone. Like they have the same takes from watching the same news. It’s no wonder they have a similar set of beliefs and views. It’s no wonder their opinions are the same.

I talk like I am above this. Surely I have been indoctrinated, too. Surely I am a product of norms, too.

But like I am fighting against this intoxication. This addiction. I am at least aware of it.

Like I don’t bet on sports. I don’t have social media. I don’t scroll all day.

I want to be original. Wanting to be original is unoriginal. It’s not cool to want to be unique. Just be unique.

This rant is inspired by the boring conversations I’ve had lately. Conversations typically involve at least two people – meaning I am a part of them, too. But like I feel jaded. And I’m not sure what to do about it. I am not sure how to spice them up.

I think a part of me has just been avoiding. I moved to a new city all alone because I wanted to avoid a lot of things. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to not have to deal with things face to face. I ran away in ways. But I also ran towards. I ran towards acceptance. I ran towards this battle.

I know friends who are about to enter that next phase of life. The one I mentioned. The family. The suburbs. The simplicity. The joy. Part of me wants to judge it and you can see I already partially described that life as giving up. But another part of me – I respect it. I am jealous. I am insecure. And I think that jealousy will grow. Though, I would not trade. I don’t want to enter that world right now.

I have other friends who are stuck, too. I say too — I don’t feel as stuck. But I have friends who are crumbling now. I did at one point. They are stuck between phases. And they, too, are not ready. They see their current situation as not living up to their expectations. Their expectations of what life is. But they’ve never perhaps had to make really big changes. They’ve never had to confront these demons. These tormenting situations. They’ve never had to risk it all. Or question the norm or the status quo. They want atypical results without atypical effort or inputs. How? How they will ask themselves.

Until one day they just go for it. Or they settle. It is a bit binary. I am noticing amongst my friends. I think most will settle. They will find some mid job and tell themselves that’s the end of life. A new one will begin, too. But like people die when they give up. Not when they actually die.

I think you can tell people to keep trying. But they themselves have to believe. They can’t outsource it. They have to believe in their hearts.

And what happens is perhaps that belief is small but it’s there. It’s a flame. But as they get older…well they get tired. They try things. Small things. But they fail. Because life is hard. And then bad things happen outside of their control. Because that’s how the world often works. It’s not up to them. It’s inevitable that bad things will happen.

And that’s why – that’s why having a strong core foundation is useful. An identity. A security. A layer of trust and health that protects you from the wind. That allows you to be you, and to take on new things and try things out and fail and get up and do it all again.

I worry that we were so excited to fast forward beyond the foundation that perhaps we left some holes. I spent some of the past year going back and filling in those holes. Easier said than done. But I find that speed may require me to have that foundation strong so that I can support the long-term rather than micro incremental steps and progress.

I also think that people stuck should just do something crazy volatile. Fly to India. It will shake things up. It will remind people that the world is big. It will remind people that really anything is possible. It will remind you that you have agency. You can change your life.


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