in between

Too often I feel stuck in between. Like I am both not high level enough and also not low level enough.

The pool of mediocrity is what scares me. Really scares me. In a way that I hope I don’t wake up decades from now and think to myself: if I only thought bigger or if I only went deeper.

The middle.

You are probably familiar with it. In every domain. Like you go on a trip and you go to this mediocre place. Or job. Or restaurant.

I feel like I live for the extremes. Why is that?

The middle just seems lame. It feels like a lot of life is stuck in the middle. A lot of people fall into that place.

And maybe the middle has perks. Stability. Predictability. Like it’s there. Always kinda is there. Always room to complain in the middle. Always there to comfort you. Make you feel like you’re safe.

But like we only live one time so what are we doing in the middle?

Can we not aim higher? Just for this one life? Before we get tired and old and sad?

I guess part of my challenge is in defining ambition. Like what does it even mean to aim high?

Is it like – be the greatest basketball player of all time? I mean that at least surface level seems cool. It feels like something that would be ambitious.

Yet…1000 years from now, no one will know what that means. But who cares? Maybe that is not how we define cool. Surely it’s not. Cool just gotta feel cool. Defining it feels uncool.

At the same time, does it mean to go deep? Like how hard work is hard work? Like how focused is focused?

How many times do you check your phone per working session? Or email? Or random article?

Can you sit down and get a fuck ton of work done for 10 hours straight?

Maybe that is my goal of the year.

It honestly sounds like a good one for me.

Can I get to a place where I am doing focused undistracted work for an entire day.

I feel like I used to be able to do this.

I would say transparently I can’t now. Not without chasing dopamine. Or getting distracted.


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