i am ready

I am about to run a half marathon. In about 3 hours, I will be running. I have run many before. On the order of 20. But only one organized run. It was in Malibu. It was 2 years ago or so. Now I am ready to run another. I have run a marathon before so this will not be a distance record but this hopefully will be the fastest half marathon I have ever run.

I have had a weird weekend leading up to the run. I did not go outside yesterday. I felt lost. I felt uncomfortable. I had trouble falling asleep early, but I fell asleep. And I woke up really early, as I always tend to do these days. Around 5 am. But a bit before that really.

And now…and now I am writing. It looks cold outside and it was rainy last night but I think it should be clear or at least not raining by the time we start running.

Several pieces of my life are starting to come together. I mean it’s still slow. I still have intrusive thoughts. I still feel frustrated. I still feel lonelier than I would like. But the meat of things. The opportunities — well they are coming together. Slowly but surely.

I still feel antsy and restless. But I am starting to bring together the ideas in the right way and the right order.

I get frustrated sometimes I guess more than I would like. Running helps. And so does writing.

So today I am excited to run. I feel a bit of that competitive spirit to the degree that I have not felt in a while. I am not sure precisely how fast I aim to run – honestly I hope it’s fast. But we will see once I get out and get going. I am going to go for fast if that counts for anything.

Beyond that – I am feeling pretty locked in mentally. I signed up for this half marathon – this formal race – about 2 weeks ago. I then convinced my friend, my friend who barely really runs, to sign up as well. It was spontaneous but again I think will be productive.

One thing in the back of my head is that I’m worried I am becoming antisocial and overly anxious about social interactions. I feel like isolation may be doing that to me. Anyways, it’s just something in the back of my head. I still talk to my friends digitally – but there’s far less social interactions in the average week. I am not sure if that’s healthy and anyways it’s something that I have been thinking about.

When you run 13.1 miles or so – or really any long run – you end up going through a lot of your intrusive thoughts. At least I do. The key for me is to be more like a pipe. Rather than say a wall. Let the thoughts in. Let them fester. And then allow them to slide out – just like they came in. They are just thoughts after all. Stop trying to reject them. Just be good about being a pipe. A very clear pipe that your thoughts can run right through. Running helps because your body is quite occupied. So you don’t really have that much energy left to marinate on thoughts. At least I don’t. I’m more focused on keeping up with my body.

So I’m prepared to go on a physical and mental journey. I am prepared to think good things but also many bad things over the next few hours.

I am ready to run.

I have written a lot about running, as it has had a large impact – or at least I think it has – on my life.

I am lucky and grateful to be able to run.

I am ready for this race.


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