hungry for structure

I have been unstructured for the past 6 months. Really longer. Not comfortable. Not settled into a routine. Not disciplined, really. Not getting the feedback loops of focus that I know are both possible and uniquely rewarding.

I am hungry for structure.

There was probably a version of me not all too long ago – maybe 4 years ago – that would be hungry for the opposite. Back then perhaps I was so locked into routine that I perhaps desperately wanted a version of life that included more spontaneity. More new stuff. More variety. More spontaneity.

But now. Now I want less again.

I want less of everything.

Maybe what I want is more intensity. Maybe that’s another way of thinking about what’s missing from this current lifestyle.

The current lifestyle has very little intensity. It’s very free flowing. I know there are perks to this. It’s lighter for sure.

But there’s no heat. There’s no fuel burning. It’s more just surfing.

And I am not mad that I went in this direction. Truly not upset. It’s been a learning experience. A lot about listening to my emotions. Listening to where I’m at in life right now and where I want to be headed.

I want the satisfaction of a long day’s work. I have not had this in so long.

I want no excuses. I currently make excuses. Oh I was traveling. Oh I was distracted.

I want none of that.

I want to wake up and do a few things. And do them well. And focused.

I want to look back happy about those things.

That’s all that matters, really, to me.

Enough of this pull up computer and just fall to whatever is shiniest in my head.

Too much opening and closing tabs.

I want tabs open for longer. I want frustration. I want control. And I want to give up on the casino games I have been caught up in.

I still want volume. Insane volume, really. More volume than ever before. But a system that enables that. One that has some rigidity. Some bets. Some thing I could be right or wrong about.

Perhaps that is what I need.

I am hungry for structure.

I am redesigning my foundation. This is a unique opportunity. Really a privileged one. Getting to design everything from the ground up. I am going to make this count.

Small things will make a big difference. At least I expect them to. Like sleeping with my phone in a different room.

Sounds silly but I want to design this foundation to enable me to be the most productive present and happy version of myself. I think it’s very possible. I have not had this type of clear minded foundation in such a long time. They have all been tainted. By distraction and convenience. This new foundation is entirely entirely optimized for me. Optimized for me being me. And optimized for no excuses.

Perhaps you have thought about designing something like this for yourself before. I have. I have honestly fantasized about this. It’s my first time ever living alone. With no roommates. And I am hungry to figure out what that’s like. I am going to miss certain things that’s for sure.

But I am so hungry for having a perfectly optimized structure.

Ugh that sounds so lame is the other voice in my head. These all sound like excuses. To which I say no this isn’t lame. This is the truth.

I feel like I have been barely trying thus far. Truly. Like compared to Kobe, I am not even putting in any work. I never really have. I show up and get lucky. Or I fill my calendar with calls.

I could live my whole life this way. And be fine.

But I crave more. Like doing actual work. Actual thinking. Actual focus.

I have tried to willpower my way to this.

Hasn’t really worked.

What will work though — at least I think — is building a better system. Culture. Vibe around me. An environment that enables me to produce better outcomes.

I want no excuses.

I will read every week. Probably every day. But if I don’t read at least once that week, something is off.

I will run every week. Probably every other day. But if I don’t run at least once that week something is off.

I will lift multiple times a week. Etc. etc.

There are foundational aspects of my life that I know are critical to my success. And happiness. And presence.

And sometimes my infrastructure allows me to _not_ do those things. It allows me to get caught in a spiral. An unproductive loop. Just waste time really.

That’s the worst. That leads to mediocrity.

Bad days happen. But there’s no reason for bad months or bad years. Life is too short. I am really in my prime. Or close to it.

It’s time to actually work. No excuses. Actual work.

No checking email throughout the day. Maximum 2x/day.

No scrolling feeds. Ever really.

Be intentional. Not like the wind. Like a dog on a mission.

That’s what I need.


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