how you say

You probably have heard this prompt before. Something about how jealousy only works when you truly want to trade your whole life with someone else. You cannot just pick and swap particular attributes of your life. Elements are not transactional like that—you have to be willing to sacrifice all other aspects of your life in order to make a trade. That is basically how that prompt goes. I have heard it credited to many people but that is besides the point. I sometimes think about it — or I catch myself when I feel myself reacting jealously to different situations.

It is less that I try and catch myself these days. I am fine experiencing the emotion. But I try to allow the emotion to just pass through me. Rather than marinate on it for all too long. To ruminate.

And so I let them pass through me like a pipe.

This brings me to a totally separate topic but it’s top of mind and I thought why not transition just like that – to that new topic. To float in the air. And just follow the current.

I want to get back to storytelling. I feel like lately my writing has really sucked. Not that I am scoring my writing. Or I care about a particular type of aesthetic quality. It’s not objective. It’s my thing. And my assessment is that it’s sucked.

It’s not like getting a pump at the gym. I want it to feel that way again.

And so I want to get back to telling stories. And seeing where that takes me. And how that feels. Rather than pontification – I want to just let the words fly again. Not ruminating on the same ideas over and over. But rather reforming and reshaping and rehearsing stories and feelings. Feels that come more naturally.

A story I wanted to quickly share was one that happened to me yesterday. I recently moved into a new place. In a new city. And I don’t really know anyone. It was a bit of a wildcard decision. The whole moving thing. Alone. And I have been spending a lot of time alone. It’s not that I really know anyone here. It’s cold out. The city is rather big. And I am more or less accepting this period.

I mean I could run from it. I could go travel. Or move. Or etc.

But I am choosing solitude.

There have been obvious benefits. For example, I have been extremely healthy. I wish there was a more objective way for me to say that I have been extremely healthy. But what I mean to say is more or less that I have been eating according to what I consider to be healthy meals.

Sidebar: Ugh even when I type this right now, I feel distracted. Like my eyes are peeling. I mean it’s 5am on a saturday. I woke up at 3AM. I mean i have nothing to do. I am restless. I have no plans all day. I have no idea how I will spend it. A month ago I was in Sri Lanka driving a rickshaw across the country. 3 weeks ago I was in New Zealand driving a car across the country. And now I am stationed. Sedentary. Sitting lots.

Nonetheless, back to the story. I moved here.

And I’ve been spending a decent amount of time alone. It’s fine. Not the point of the story.

But as I was on a work call yesterday — pseudo work to be clear, I don’t really work right now — I got a banging on my door. Loud banging. Knock knock type banging, and not the friendly kind.

I was on a call so I said hello – how can I help I’m on a call?

And I was effectively chastised by a shadow – by my neighbor who I could not see. As she yelled at me needing me to quiet down and telling me I’ve been too loud.

It was a very small thing. Especially in the grand scheme of things.

But I am left wondering – could she have done this in a kinder more productive manner?

Like I get it I’m ruminating and being sensitive. But now I feel a bit uncomfortable…am I always being too loud or was it just for that moment?

How can I feel safe in my own place?

I am over-reacting, surely, and overthinking, etc. But it taught me this important lesson which is first and foremost you do not appreciate things until they change.

Like I loved not having to worry about volume. Not that I was screaming. At all. Just on various calls idk probably my volume was a bit above normal. But I loved not having to think about it. At all.

And now…and now whenever I get on a call I have that tax in my head. I have that thought in my head that perhaps I am being too loud.

Ugh it makes me frustrated. It’s added friction. I over-worry.

The other thing I think about is just thinking about times where I was frustrated and basically lash out at people. It’s so ineffective. And it’s so obvious when emotions are speaking.

I wish I could show myself a clip from this moment. Because this older woman was yelling at me effectively. And I am genuinely sorry. But I just wish she said it in a different way.

Which is interesting. Because I like directness. I can see past the noise. But she was honestly being indirect. She was just clouded by her emotions. And not communicating clearly.

So how you say does matter. An obvious lesson to many. Yeah. That’s the story today.

Still not hit my stride writing wise. Downstream of focus wise. Will fix that.


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