fragility of life (and my foot)

You have to make it happen. Things will inevitably try and block you. But you have to make it happen. Some version of this mantra is what I have been thinking to myself lately. I stress fractured my foot. I am so annoyed. Everything was going well. Starting to at least. It is almost spring. I have been in great physical shape. Things have been coming together. Going to the gym often. Eating healthy. Running all the time. And then…and then, just as the weather was turning, just as my plans were coming together – it happened. Well nothing really happened. That was the frustrating part. The insanely frustrating part. Like nothing happened. Except one night my foot started hurting. Out of nowhere. It’s been 6 days. And I can barely walk.

I went to the doctor last week. And I was an idiot. I just let them like look at it. And tell me to take advil. That was it. No x ray. No recommendation to a specialist. I was expecting them to lead. But how stupid was that. Why did I expect that?

I went to the doctor again today. I started with this view that they would lead. They would tell me what to do or not to do. But wrong. They didn’t. They were passive. And slow. Why would they be fast here. So, I took control. Or at least tried to. I told myself – I gotta make this happen.

So I started asking more questions. Got the follow up in. I left with low confidence in the doctor. But alas, better late than never. I am nervous that this is going to set me back quite a bit. I hope not, though. Because I was starting to feel the momentum.

I am about to move. Move towns again. Move countries and continents. And go across the sea. Everything is about to change once again. I was ready for it, though. I had rebuilt my foundation. And of course. Of course this happens. Days before I leave.

I sound like a complainer. I am a complainer. I sound like the type of person who would be playing victim. This is fine. This is fine. This is fine. That sounds like the type of person who does not feel fine.

I need to find ways to get my momentum up.

I need to take this recovery seriously — even though I really don’t want to. I don’t feel inspired to.

I have all this stuff I need to do – requires me to be mobile and all.

And damn. I have this great excuse. This great frustration. This thing that is now in my way. My damn foot. I can barely walk. Not fun.

I am looking for the positive in this injury. It’s hard for me to see. I need to stay disciplined. I think it will be hard. I need to find a way to take recover seriously and come back stronger. But like I don’t know what I did wrong. I think I should perhaps have worked out my legs more but again no idea.

No idea what it was that I did.

Ugh.

But people have it worse. That is what I tell myself. Some people have worse foots. Worse legs. No feet. Etc. Worse circumstances. More suffering. More unfair.

This is another reminder to myself about the fragility of it all. It’s funny. Sad. Just how quickly we forget that life is this thing that can literally just be taken away. It can be taken away all at once – like a full swoop.

Or – more often the case – slowly. Bit by bit. Your world breaks down. Your physical world, yes. But also the other parts of it. The emotional. The psychological. The endurance. It wanes. You lose hope. You stop believing in yourself. You start becoming a product fully of the systems around you. Though, perhaps we always were. And we had fooled ourselves into thinking we were in control. That was the trap.

Regardless – I choose to believe in agency. Even if not true. Even if a myth. This agency thing – it keeps me going. It keeps me excited. Without it – well perhaps I could float. But what is that life? Just ricocheting around. Just floating like a leaf in the wind. The systems are broken. I think the leaf thing would work if nothing around me excited. This conditional applies only to me. The leaf could work for others. But I’m too far deep. I could do some crazy drugs probably and reset my ambition. Or try to. And wash up. And don’t care. I could move to japan tomorrow. Truly. I could. I could move to Kenya, too. Though the broken ish foot would be annoying. But I could. I could get rid of all the problems just by doing that. All the problems could be gone if I just threw out my phone and the internet. Most all the problems would be gone.

But…I won’t.

I won’t because I’m so far deep.

I’m so far wanting to be serious. Wanting to fix the problems. Wanting to play god. I don’t need to play god. There’s no award from it. You don’t live longer. You just die. That’s all. Who cares about legacy and honor when you are dead. You are dead. Doesn’t really matter if you were a criminal while alive or were the holiest man on earth. And did charity and all.

So why do these great things?

Why suffer?

Why opt-into suffering?

Why do things that we don’t have to do?

One answer perhaps is don’t. That seems obvious. Don’t. Just take the easy path.

But the definition of easy. That is what is not clear.

Easy feels impossible to me. Easy meaning like go sit on the beach. I don’t feel like I could do it. It’s a weird thing inside me. I want more. I couldn’t just sit on the beach all day. What is it though? Is it insecurity? What drives me? Probably some blend of things. Some desire to be more. But again…what if I just said – ENOUGH – I have had enough. I have done enough. I have seen enough. Let’s go sit on the beach.

Easy for me, though, feels different. It feels like the easy path of life is actually the path that would most likely satisfy me. And to do that, sure there will be suffering – but that’s the version of life to be excited about.

I wish I could act more lightly. More loosely. Not allow things to impact me. Unless I of course give them permission to.

Weird thing. Do we create walls. Or do we just let them flow through. Like pipes. The former sounds better in theory. But it just doesn’t work. Things break. And so pipe approach i like better. But I can also do a blend of both. I can create the system around me that I want, while still acting looser like a pipe would.

And so the easy version of life for me is also a hard one. There’s nothing to be optimizing for. I feel like I was fooled into this thinking early on. I was fooled into saying — hey I want to optimize for learning or hey I want to optimize for money.

I mean I get it. That’s how you’d chart this out and make a plan and what not. But it feels silly.

What I care about. Really honestly and bluntly. Is just living. Like just being me. Just being present. Just being here for it. Nothing else hugely matters. I need to just be there for it.

And when shit happens. When the fragile aspects of life break down. As they do. As they so often damn do. Like my foot right now. I just need to figure it out. I need to find another way. I need to find the positive. I need to make shit happen.

This essay reads wayyyy too much like a motivational speech. Breathes. But it is one.

I do not really need lessons from other people. I just want to win. And to do that, I just need to make things happen. Stop being lazy. When I open my computer, sometimes I get lazy. It’s not a get shit done device. It’s just not. It’s a distraction device. Even getting to this blank screen to get shit done – well that’s marred.

I think I should convert my laptop into being a get shit done device. I’ll use my ipad for distractions.

But what if I entered a zero distraction policy on my laptop.

Something like that would be cool.


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