former and current

It is fun to model yourself not as one person but as a collection of people. Fun is probably not the right word. But perhaps the fun part is just looking at things with this type of different lens. I know that sounds a bit schizophrenic or insane to think about. Not that being schizo is inherently “insane” but that’s besides the point. Even commenting on that sounds insane so moving on.

Moving onto the original point – that family systems theory – or this idea that perhaps you are the collection of not just one soul but actually multiple beings. Less in a spiritual way. But more in a pragmatic way. Like tactically speaking, perhaps we just cannot see it in our heads. But maybe there is a war going on. My eyes hurt as I think about this. Like behind my sockets. You know that feeling. Perhaps there is an entire economy inside of us constantly debating – debating how and if and where to spend our time.

Perhaps this world lives like we do on the outside. Perhaps the devil and angel are actually just inside of us. And there are whole countries debating our own emotions and thoughts and these manifest in the form of decisions we end up making.

Another way to look at this perhaps is through a more historical time-based lens. I think about how…well the past 12 months of my life have been INSANE. Like I cannot believe what has happened, truly.

I ended a relationship. My heart was broken.

I ended a job. My heart was broken.

I ended where I was living. my heart was broken.

I was in a really bad place. I was really at the bottom. The bottom of what I understand thus far as the bottom.

And it’s been 6 months I think since that bottom. I’m still climbing. It will probably take more time. I’m sure it will.

But man. Man. Looking back, it was real bad.

I wish I could talk to that person. That former me. That person who was in the gutter. Who was in the hole.

I tried talking to people. I tried getting help. That made it worse. I was in a deep fucking hole. Out of emotions. Out of energy. Everything was bad. Like really bad.

Man I write it out now and even now I wince a bit. I can laugh more now. I have processed more now. But man. My heart. My thoughts.

It changed a lot for me. I cared so much. So fucking much. About never breaking perhaps. Perhaps that was a core thing for me. I didn’t want to break. And I broke. Completely.

Embarrassingly, really.

But now…now I feel like I’m on the up. And taking it slow. But I just know I’ll be even better.

Like…

Damn I wish I could talk to former me. I wish I could just be that guy he needed. Because former me needed current me.


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