eyes closed

I am writing this essay mainly with my eyes closed. I am not going to read it again after I have written it. So I’m just trying to get words out. There will be typos. That’s fine. Eyes closed. Write.

Took another few days off of writing. I know I have talked about this a lot. But the benefits of writing are so large to me that even after taking a few days off I start to inadvertently feel the consequences. The best analogy is surely similar to going to the gym. If you miss one day at the gym, it’s not the end of the world. You don’t instantly lose all of your muscle. But a few things do happen. One is you miss that energy boost you get from completing a workout. Similar thing with writing. Writing gives you a boost so you feel better after you have written for a few dozen minutes. So you miss that. You also, though, risk going into a spiral of sorts by missing many days in a row. Just like the gym. Before you know it. You just feel out of it. You feel sad. You feel like you have all these thoughts compressed in your head and you are not sure what to do with them. So yeah. That’s where I am coming into this. I’m not spiraling. But I’m not that far from going down a slide of sorts. And I’m doing something about it. I’m showing up ready to write.

I am writing but I do not have a specific topic in mind. That sometimes happens. It turns into me just externally processing around what may or may not make sense for me to write about. In general, I am trying to shift more twoards specific stories and commentary on specific ideas rather than general musings that live in abstract land and lack real substance. It’s not that I should shy away from big ideas. It’s just that I think I have details on particular topics that need to be worked out and stretched and massaged and just taken out of my head. So that’s what I am looking to do more of. In addition to simply just writing more words for longer periods of time. Sometimes I burn out while writing. Especially when I am speedrunning. Like right now, my eyes are starting to hurt. And so I am closing them and just writing.

I want to write about credentials. And experts. I used to work with a lotof people who held a lot of weight in their credentials. Note not their actual experience. But the credentials that were perhaps associated with their experiences. These credentials would come up in different settings. You could imagine and have probably seen people do this in discussions. They will basically root their arguments not in logic or quality of ideas but rather that they should be trusted merely because of their seniority or title or status. I find that to be a very discouraging way of working with people. I have surely thought about this before. Like I have known this. But even I have fallen for it. I have fallen for choosing to work wtih certain people rather than looking at their actual experience. Like what they can actually do. And what they will actually bring to the table. I think I have an allergic reaction to when people base their arguments in like age or years of experience whatever. I automatically start to think of them as stupid people. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism or defense mechanism for myself. Becasue I don’t have said things. And I just am like wow nice of you to talk about something that has nothing really to od with the subject matter. You sound like a cihld when you do those things in my opinion. And i don’t think many adults get that kind of feedback very foten. The real kind of feedback. The feedback on how people are actually doing. Or call bullshit on their actual work. So much bullshit out there. I have written about that before. It is like an infection that just grows. And one day you wake up and realize all the things you wanted to — well you have not done them. And if only, if only someone had come to you and give nyou feedback like — yo you are literally yling to yourself. Or you like this is not a real arguemnt. This is not an argument based on facts or truth. It’s not really oriented in that direction.


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