edge

It has still been hard for me to focus. Like I can work in spurts. And pay real attention in spurts. But something is off about my motivation. My motivation for things feels a bit unearthed by a sense of anxiety. An anxiety that is basically lingering in the background of everything. It’s not generalized anxiety. I mean that’s not what I’m prescribing myself with. Nor do I necessarily even believe in that type of DSM-5 psychological disorder description in the first place. But I notice that for a lot of the things — writing this essay included — a lot of my mind is racing towards simply getting done with things. Like I’m not in them. I’m not happy I’m in them. I’m racing towards being finished with them. This is not such a unique thing. Being present is hard. But basically I’m trying to check things off my list. Not actually do the things and enjoy the struggle. This is not so new for me. But also is. I used to be able to focus longer harder. Surely.

So a lot of my mindspace wants to get back to that. And I have written that for sure as well. I just want to be able to end the day knowing I put in real work.

And honestly…honestly I am making more cash than ever before. Like I could keep doing this.

But I have so much time. So much. Like an insane amount. Like I am filling my time by watching Youtube videos because I have anxiety picking up a book for some reason. I am running and going to the gym and mainly eating very healthy. So all those boxes of my system are in check. And I am happy about that. But nonetheless the anxiety persists.

Part of me feels like the solution is just finding work I really enjoy.

Part of me feels like racing towards that – the want of finding something great – is actually the problem. And that I should just be able to accept the now, for it now.

I am living a normal person’s pace now. It’s not my pace. This is not how I operate typically. Or have. Like I want more stimulus. I want more. I crave it. I want pressure. I want something to fight for.

Right now I feel like I have nothing.

I could go on this way for literally the rest of my life. And I’d hate it. But like I’d survive.

Ugh. This is another complainer essay. I don’t want to be a complainer writer. I have been for 3 months. Nearly daily for 3 months. In that complain mode. What happened to the excitement mode? The looking forward to learning mode. The curiosity mode. The guy who wanted to win. And wanted to learn. And wanted that extra push.

Now I just feel like staying inside and being restless. Though I hate it.

I want more. I want to push more for sure. I have been ready for that for a bit. I definitely threw some darts. And I have things coming.

It’s just I’m still not in war mode. I’m in this like abundance mode. It’s a new mode. It’s a mode I did not feel for years. I was running for so long. And now it’s so peaceful.

There’s got to be. Got to be another way. I will find it or create it. I’m sure of that. Just takes time. But I don’t want to lose my edge. Whatever that means. I feel like I am losing some of it.

So back to it. Back to it. That’s what I tell myself at least.


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