accept it already

I did not write anything for about a week. Well, I did not publish anything. I always write. But it does not always come in the form of essays. At least not essays for this blog. I have a few blogs now. For different reasons. This one, though, is my favorite. This is the one I’m going to be the most proud of. It’s the one that I think will matter the most for me over the very long term. It’s my secret weapon. Secret being a key word. I don’t know why. I mean it doesn’t have to be. But I like it better that way. I like writing to myself. I think about it like going to the gym for my brain. I think about it like going to my own little office to think about how and if and when I should be spending my time. It’s like my own little appointments. I don’t have to put on a show of any kind. I don’t have to think about anyone else. It’s just me. And I can be present. It’s like going to the nicest house in the world. An amusement park of sorts. But it’s just my brain. And it’s right in front of me. I don’t have to pay. I mean the cost is just me needing to dig into my brain. My eyes are closed right now. As they have been this whole time while writing. I am literally walking through a mansion in my brain and exploring the different rooms. Taking turns. Some are obvious and common. But most of them are spontaneous. I don’t know where this essay will end up. I don’t know where it was going to start either. I’m not even sure where in the map I am now.

And so. And so. And so I’m waiting.

Waiting for the ideas to click.

Some people wait for years. I almost fell into that trap. But not really. Not really because, well, I have no idea how to wait. That’s actually what’s top of mind for though. Like a treasure I’m looking for. That’s the topic of the blog. Waiting. I hate waiting. I hate that it.

In particular, I hate waiting for people to get ready in the morning. Like I don’t get that. They take an hour every morning. I just get up and go. I don’t get it. What do they need? Why are they so tired? What are they waiting for?

Ugh.

That’s what I’m actually doing right now. I am waiting for my friends. I’m in Wyoming. Weird, right?

And I am having conflict waiting because well I had expected them to be able to think like me energy-wise. To be able to just get up and get going. But no. Now I wait. I wait for them to get up. I wait for them. I don’t know how they do it. I get so anxious waiting. Like I have something pulling me. I feel way held down. It should not make me this upset. But it infuriates me. It makes me so extremely angry. In a way that cannot be proportionate or right or appropriate. I am just waiting. Waiting. WAITING.

IT’S LIKE A RUMINATING THOUGHT. UNPRODUCTIVE.

I NEED TO LEARN TO NOT REACT TO THINGS IMMEDIATELY. NOT JUST IN MY HEAD BUT ALSO IN MY BRAIN. LIKE. SORRY, NOT IN MY BRAIN BUT ON MY FACE. LIKE MY BODY LANGUAGE REVEALS IT ALL. PEOPLE CAN TELL WHEN I’M NOT INTERESTED. I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S FIXABLE. SURELY IT IS. ACTORS MUST LEARN. SPIES, TOO. I’D BE A BAD SPY. TOO MUCH ANXIETY. UGH. I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE THAT.

Oops, I went cap locks.

That was not intentional. None of this is really intentional though so who cares.

I am so much happier when I’m like winning. And getting things to work. And not sitting around like a pile of lameness just waiting for my friends to do things. Lol. The cynical view has formed. I know it sounds harsh. It’s maybe rooted in something else though. Why do I care so much? Why do I allow waiting around to impact me so much?

Well, I feel like growing up I always wanted to leave the house early. And get to school early. I wonder why. Was I trying to avoid hearing my parents fighting? Not sure. Or was I just anxious? I remember not wanting to be late to basketball practice. And being nervous about getting there on time – and early if possible even.

I just think about energy levels as a thing that you can control. I think other people view them as a byproduct of your surroundings. I guess I believe that over a longer period of time. I do believe that. But in a short-term situation – I think you can basically do anything. Like you can build up the energy to go do anything.

So then when people say they have low energy, I think what they mean to say is that they just don’t care or don’t want to do things. It’s not them saying they have low energy. Because well, that’s a moldable thing I think. Based on their excitement for the activity.

Those small miscommunications end up being really bad for me. Like I overreact to them. I get so upset by them. It’s so hard for me to handle them. I get very nervous and anxious, and I feel this urge to want to fix these things. To just get people to be more like me. But I can’t. I can’t change people. I have tried. So much. Like literally years of my life. But how do I exhibit agency without influencing others? I think it’s possible? It’s not easy but it’s possible. I can just focus more on myself. Get myself to be better, faster. And really see what happens as a result. I think I have this view that I can change people, but that view is just made up in my head. And I can say hey I can’t change people, but in my heart or somewhere in the back of my head I feel like it’s still possible. And yet, and yet I know it’s not. It’s sad to me perhaps that it’s not. But it’s not. So why do I hang onto it? Is it out of fear? Anxiety? Nervousness? I’m not sure. And at the same time—I mean I like differences in people—right? That’s what makes the world great? It just feels like I’m the only one speaking English often and everyone else is speaking a form of Japanese. Like I’m here alone speaking English. Or maybe the reverse. They are all speaking English and I’m alone speaking Japanese. And like the thing is, we are supposed to speak Japanese or something like that. Like I feel like I’ve been massively gaslit by everyone involved and everyone here. Everyone on this earth. Wow, that’s a lot of people. But that’s how I feel. I feel misunderstood. I feel alone. I feel like people just don’t get it.

And maybe they feel the same way. I mean likely they feel the same way. Likely they just want to be understood too. And not to feel alone. I have been up since 5 am. It’s nearly 9 am. And my friends are still getting up and getting ready. Why does that make me so damn upset? I think it’s because I feel alone. Like I’m the only one living in this particular way. And that’s probably true. So what. Accept the loneliness. That’s what one voice in my head tells me to think. Another thought is attracted to the victim bait. This idea that I could live my life just thinking that I’m so unique and alone and special and blah blah blah. Poor me. I can’t out logic this. If I want to be unique, then I have to accept this loneliness and tension and friction. If I want to be the same as everyone else, and have the same outcomes, then maybe I would feel more connected. I feel a compulsion to want to correct them all the time. To help them see the truth. Like it’s my job. It’s not. I’m not God, or anything of that sort. So why do I care so much?

I’m the emotional one. Not them. That’s the story I believe. Or the one I tell myself. It’s my emotions blinding me. Getting in the way of helping me see the reality and the truth of the situation. I am the one who cannot comprehend things. They are doing just fine. Trapped with their blinders on. I should just focus on me more. Make fewer comments. Be less abrasive. Be less rude to others. Just focus on me. I think that approach could really work. And just accept the loneliness. Accept the world for what it is. I mean maybe that takes a lifelong journey to be able to do. But that’s just what I need to do. I don’t know why I’m so caught on this. I am so caught on this idea. I am obsessed about it. So much of this blog is revolving around these same topics. So much of my life is moving my hands to try to express these same ideas. I can’t get enough of it. I cannot escape it. I cannot get free from it. Why do I feel so stuck in it? Why does it own me? It owns so much real estate in my head? Without paying taxes, as I wrote about before. I think I can get past it. But it will just require acceptance. I think that’s the big thing. The big thing is acceptance and just understanding that what I need to do is accept the world for what it is, while in my own head being comfortable having parties on my own. I am not left out. I am not going to change everyone. I am not going to make the world the same as my own. I have my own senses. I have my own thoughts. I am not going to be able to get other people to think exactly like me. I have tried. I have tried to morph the world towards my preferences. But I don’t think that’s the actual way to do it. I think the actual way to do it is to probably just accept I can’t morph any one person and instead focus on the infrastructure layer. Instead focus on morphing the world towards my preferences by just doing things. Leading by example. That’s how you make a difference. Everything else is kinda stupid. Everything else doesn’t really make a difference. I think that’s what I should accept. I think that’s the big thing I need to accept. Just do. “Just do it” is such a good term. 


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