This is a lesson told through a series of life experiences.

Have you ever been the LOSER at the fancy party?

Do you immediately understand what I am talking about? Do you have a clear image in your head? Do you hear the music? If not, then perhaps you have never had this life experience (and that may indeed be a good thing!).

So I HAVE been the loser at the fancy party.

Looking back, it was not fun. It was not a thing I would ever want to do again. Not because it was SO TERRIBLE, but because of how it makes me feel in hindsight. And even crazier, I have done it many times. I have actively signed up to be the loser at the fancy party.

Ridiculous, right? I am not particularly proud of it but I have processed it and it actually has led to some ~interesting conclusions.

(A note here is that it is not THAT unique. I think plenty of people, at some scale, go through life thinking about a grass is always greener scenario and then positioning their life to get involved in the greener grass only to one day realize that hey that grass is not greener, my grass is actually pretty good, and I have people who care about me who are sitting on my grass so I, instead of going to visit the other lawns, am going to nourish and tend to my own).

Having been the loser SHEEPED my way into attending THAT fancy party, I can say with confidence that THAT lifestyle is not for me anymore. I do not want to be all too judgmental of my former self—I had lot going on in my brain that was really not processed appropriately—but WHAT WAS I DOING?

Why did I care about going to the fancy party?

You know…the fancy party with all the fancy people. The celebrities. The “rich.” The elite! The hype vibes. The line to get in! The begging the bouncer. The one that “everyone” wants to get into because it is just so freakin cool! Have you been there? Have you attended those EXCLUSIVE events?

Well I have…I have been the loser at those parties. I waited in line. I got nervous. I have even snuck in. I and a few friends have been the losers aspiring to get into parties where I know no people (and no people know or really care about me).

Now, we were a bit in our own worlds. I was going, at least I thought, because I wanted fun memories and stories. But now I think those actions were loser actions.

Loser is a harsh word. But I think it is the right word. I think people who idolize the things I idolized are losers. Another word, perhaps less harsh, could be LOST people. I think attending those ~things is really a congregation of lost people. People who fail to recognize what REALLY matters in life. People who like games. People who like complaining. People who enjoy the surface over the depth.

Current me laughs at former me for caring about that stuff. I think that is a sign of progress but still—what was I doing?!

Why did I care about going to parties with people I did not really care about and they did not care about me? Why is fun to see celebrities? Who cares? What a loser thing to do.

And…for me to have the gall to call up my real friends after the parties—the friends who actually do care about me—and “brag” to them about being the loser at the fancy party.

What was I doing?!

Well, this is really an answerable question and the answer is actually not particularly complicated.

The answer was that I was looking to mentally escape. I was insecure of myself, and I thought that escaping to a so-called elevated environment would give my identity a lift. So I went to parties where I did not know anyone but at minimum were around people that were supposedly relatively “cool,” and hoped (not explicitly, but at minimum sub-consciously) that this would elevate me in some capacity.

Now I never really said this out loud before. If you had asked me why in the past, I would say: “uhh, it’s fun.” And there were minimal amounts of things about it that were fun—but there were some fun things. Most of them involved drinking as much as I could (not proud of) to escape reality and be “short-term funny” in environments where I felt uncomfortable. I will repeat there were some fun circumstances—but in terms of feeling myself; I do not think that was the optimal environment. Because, again, these “elite parties” are filled with people who are not in my orbit (and I am not in theirs!).

But I knew in my heart that whenever I went to those events and spent lots of money and drank a lot—I knew that I was the loser. This was not life. This was not my LIVING-ness shining. This was me shrinking. This was an insecurity magnifier and energy vacuum.

Now you may say toughen up. 100%. But that’s not the point I am making—it is about the priority of these things. I am not saying never do them. Or never ever party or etc. Not at all. I am saying that prioritizing BEING THE LOSER AT THE FANCY PARTY is a loser move.

A few things have changed since this period of my life—one is that I am sober. I do not care about drinking anymore. And I am happier as a result. I am not saying you should never drink—I am saying that I do not drink. Another is that I no longer would prioritize spending time with people I do not care about (and they do not care about me) at some fancy event.

The people at these events did not do anything inherently wrong. They just live in a different world. I think a lot of them are lost—but who am I to judge?

To be as clear as possible, I am not opposed to going to parties where you do not know anyone. In fact, that can be fun. Entering different worlds every so often can be a really cool experience. Whether you are alone or with a group—it is great to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and try new things.

But that is a very different intentionality than waiting in lines to get inside of parties with other people who were begging the bouncer to get in because their names were not on “the list.”

Those parties are a bunch of beggars hoping to meet fame and instead meeting other beggars.

I do not want fame (I really never did, but now it is more explicit in my head). And, while they may bring something to the table, I am not really looking forward to meeting other beggars. The beggars who run in the circles that come to mind for me are not particularly great people (now I do not know their whole stories but this is just my read).

I want to water my own grass for a while.